An internet friend of mine recently wrote me an anguished email message saying that she is now single and that she has no idea where all the good men are. “I seem to attract only submissive men who want to be led around by the nose,” she complained. This friend is one of a surprisingly large number of women who yearn for a strong man who will, at least in some ways, be in control… “not the way your average control freak is in control,” she says, “but in a way which increases the intimate connection between the man and woman.” She says she finds control erotic, “but I'm not at all interested in BDSM and have no desire to be anyone's slave or servant. Nor do I want a man who requires unquestioning obedience. I'm a modern woman who wants a modern relationship (i.e., one in which each partner supports the other's work and dreams) but one enriched by control dynamics.” Unfortunately, her search has so far drawn a blank.

If you are a woman in this situation, unfortunately, I think you will find it difficult at best finding a suitable partner, especially over the internet. Truth is, there are a lot of men who are on the Internet playing games. Some are playing several women at the same time. If ever confronted over their behavior, some of these men react with tactics of control. You know, the old “You're not submissive enough if you don't trust me” sort of crap. I think men who do that to women are weasels (at best). Just MHO but I'll stick to it. Many men you will meet on the internet are married, just living out some sort of fantasy and stringing whoever they can along for the ride. Often times, it is expensive for women only in terms of time and sometimes lost real opportunities. Other times, it is outright dangerous. Pay real attention to details. Listen to the man's actions, not just his words. If his actions belie his words, believe his actions, not his words.

To find a man who has the qualities you seek, you will likely need to look in unlikely places, paying attention to apparent innate intelligence rather than any claim they may have to actually knowing anything. One thing not to overlook is where you met the last man you were with. One woman I know of, frustrated with her experience on the internet, took the old fashioned approach and went to her address book, finding single men or old friends now divorced for some time. She picked out the ones she had some attraction to. This makes absolute sense because emotional attraction is sexual and it is likely that sexual attraction is speaking from the same sexuality.

I suggest that you carefully look in the online dating community, YOU contacting men and not the other way around. Look for intelligence and clarity of thought rather than giving that much of a hoot if he “has it right”. Better to find someone who might be very open to what you want rather than someone who has preconceptions, because such preconceptions could hamper the development of the sort of relationship you want. Don't expect anyone to already have exactly the same ideas as you have. There are spanking websites which have personal ads. Check out personal home pages with appropriate search phrases.

Even if you are looking for a man interested in control more broadly than just spanking, I still think the best place to look is in men with strictly erotic backgrounds – men who enjoy erotic spanking. The reason for this is that the kind of control needed is normally specific to the woman. I believe that anyone who genuinely enjoys eroticism is wired for this sexually and can gain the necessary control dynamics. The trouble is that sometimes the whole thing gets out of whack and the man becomes a control freak. Avoid men who have preconceptions about obedience and submission, because the control they offer will not be pleasant.

My basic premise here, and the reason I believe erotic experience only is preferable, is that the control dynamic of discipline needs to develop and evolve as part of your relationship specific interaction. Men who like to spank would by their nature easily take on intimate discipline/control dynamics the way we explain them. These men would have trouble with the “behavior modification” approach, but that is inherently absurd anyway. An erotic spanker could easily understand that control dynamics would enrich the intimate experience. And as someone sexually inclined towards spanking, he would have this as a natural quality in his personality. How it developed would depend on how you related to each other.